Deliver Me

I just watched a recording of an episode of the show “Sundays Best” in which the featured performance was Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City Singers featuring LeAndria Johnson singing “Deliver Me, This is My Exodus”. For those that are not familiar, the show “Sundays Best” is the gospel equivalent to “American Idol”. Singers that have chosen to use their vocal gifts to lift praises to God, compete for an opportunity to win a recording contract with a gospel music label. Donald Lawrence is a gifted writer/composer that has recorded songs that not only have made their rounds in the gospel music arena but also into mainstream. LeAndria Johnson began her gospel singing career as a contestant on this show. She came to the audition with the clothes on her back after Hurricane Katrina took her home and all her belongings. Even after winning this show, LeAndria has continue to endure a series of unfortunate circumstances including the death of her brother and an addiction to alcohol. Seeing her so vulnerable while singing this song, resonated with my spirit. Just like her, I needed to be delivered from myself and all of the past hurts I continue to hold onto. The main premise of this song is asking the Lord to deliver us from ourselves. Although we may have been forgiven by others and God Himself, we continue to hold onto these past mistakes and circumstances. Self-forgiveness sounds simple in theory, but I have found it is one of the most difficult tasks that I have encountered in life. As I reflect on my own experiences, I realize that there are very few instances in my life that I have not been my own harshest critic or my own worst enemy. I have applied very unrealistic expectations on myself at times and felt a sense of failure when I was unable to obtain them. Over the years I have learned the art of disguising these insecurities and overall lack of confidence, but they are deeply rooted and engrained in my fundamental being. As a little girl these feelings of not being enough were more apparent then they are now. I was extremely shy, awkward and introverted. I had a hard time making friends because I never felt that I measured it. I was never pretty enough, smart enough or strong enough, so I tended to keep to myself. My parents tried to draw me out of my shell, but it wasn’t until I realized that these weakness made me a target to being ostracized and bullied, that I made a conscious decision to mask these feeling from the world. As a teenager, I tried hard to fit in, to appear confident and sure of myself. It was a learning process to balance trying too hard and making it look effortless. Inside I continued to use others as my barometer to what I needed to measure up to. This continued throughout my college years and into my adult life. I live my life hiding my insecurities from the world. Minimally the illusion of confidence must be there in order to be seen and to get opportunities for growth and success. When you practice this art of wearing the mask of “I am okay”, overtime it becomes difficult to separate the perception from the reality. It also probably stifles your potential to be the best wife, mother and person that you can be. For whatever reason, it dawned me recently that my deep seeded insecurities that have gone unchecked for years, have affected my abilities to mother my sons properly. These inner deficits cause anxiety and pressure and it is a constant battle to appear to always be in control and have it all together. I have always felt like the ugly duckling and because of this I keep people at an arms length to avoid others from knowing my secret. I have isolated and abandoned friendships because of my feeling of inadequacy and never being able to measure up. It was not that others were requiring this of me, I was setting these expectations myself. Although I wear it well, I often feel uncomfortable in social settings, wanting to blend into the background. I always feel like people are looking and judging although I know that is not the case. I try to avoid this situations as much as possible because they do not come naturally for me. I have forced myself to break out of my shell because my profession requires it and giving an air of confidence is the only way to climb that professional ladder. I have an unrational fear of failure and letting others down. I have lived my life making sure that everyone was okay with me and neglecting that I was okay with myself. It became more important for me to live up to the expectations of me that were set by others rather than defining my own expectations to strive for. These unrealistic expectations have crept into my parenting and now my fear is that I will pass these insecurities along to my sons. I probably overcompensate encouraging my sons and making sure that they are confident because I have not yet found my own confidence. What I am not sure of is if they can see past my façade and are picking up on my inner demons. I know that God absolutely knew what he was doing by giving me boys. I shutter to think that if I had a daughter she would inherit my lack of confidence and self worth. For my sons, I challenge them and let them know daily that they are enough and that they are only in competition with themselves. My greatest fear would be possibly preventing them from being the best version of themselves because I have not yet embraced that for myself. As mothers we must become a priority in our own lives. Although we are naturally nurturers, we must also nurture ourselves. Not being kind to ourselves depletes our emotional and physical tanks. After we are done being everything to everybody, there is nothing left for us. If my openness and transparency can reach one young girl, one mother that feels she is failing at life, I have done my job. Letting go of my false ideology of perfection will be a journey not a destination. It took me many years to get here, so I will allow my self time to redirect my path. To all the mothers reading this, mistakes and failures are opportunities for growth and positive change. We must be kind to ourselves and allow for life to happen the way that it was meant to happen. If we continue to do the best that we can, we will be okay and our children will be okay. They are more resilient than we think and those things we think are important to them, probably are not. So let us all deliver ourselves and allow our best and most authentic selves shine in this world.