It’s So Cliche

Part of parental responsibilities includes encouraging and supporting our children. As Black mothers it is common knowledge that the path our children must take will not be a straight one, it will be riddled with sharp bends and obstacles. We know and must acknowledge that our children will have not have an easy path because of the color of their skin. Another fact is the reality of school to prison pipeline and every mother is on a mission to prevent their son from being sucked into that vortex. If these things were not enough, it is also known that if a child is identified as behaviorally challenged or as having some sort of learning deficit, if not handled and managed correctly, these labels can follow the child throughout their educational journey. If a child that is identified as needing support either behaviorally or academically is not carefully monitored and supported, the end result could be the child dropping out of school before high school graduation. With the odds heavily stacked against our children in an attempt to derail their success, parents are tasked with being the driver to push our children beyond and over these hurdles. As parents, we may use a variety of cliches to help our cause to build the morale and confidence of our children. “If you believe it, you can achieve it!”, “you can do anything or be anything if you put your mind to it”, “do your best and forget the rest”. The list goes on and on. I have heard many of these phrases from my parents and now as a mother, I have used them with my sons. The intention of the use of these phrases with our children is so pure and rooted in love. However; I have recently had my own ‘ah ha’ moment in which I have realized that these words and phrases are not enough. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in the power of positive affirmations; however they must be rooted and grounded in reality and supported by context and intention. There has been a generational shift with the twenty-somethings and teenagers when compared to those of us in our upper thirties or older. The younger generation has been able to witness the manifestation of some of these cliche phrases. For example, when someone told us “You can be anything you want if you put your mind to it”, for the older generations the context of this statement was somewhat limited. As a forty something woman I did not believe that I would see a Black President in my lifetime. Success for Black Americans is generationally dependent upon known options or opportunities that were available at that time. It was probably unfathomable to think of women as being able to be Senators, CEOs, surgeons astronauts, or a candidate for Vice President, etc. if you grew up in the 1950’s or 1960’s. The frame of reference during this time was typically that you could become a nurse or a school teacher, both very honorable and important occupations but just two viable options during that moment in history. In the seventies and eighties, the boundaries were pushed and there were very few things that woman couldn’t do; however there would be disparities and obstacles to overcome to get there. So the Black American schema of opportunity and success looks different dependent upon your age, your familial experience, your socio-economic status, etc. It is often parents that create the vision and landscape for what the future of our children can be. We want our children to dream big and to have goals that will exceed our expectations; however if we do not couple these desires with reality and foundational knowledge, the result can be the opposite of what we intended. As a people, Black Americans have taken the cliche, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” to the next level. When we were given kitchen scraps for food, we created soul food. When were told that we could not attend colleges and universities we created Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs). There are many other examples that have born phoenixes from the ashes for Black Americans. What was consistently present in each of these cases was not only the thought and desire, but the hard work, perseverance and drive that went along with the desire. As a parent, if we have experienced the struggle and overcome, it is our desire to protect our children from having to experience that struggle. Sometimes we may overcompensate to make sure that their lives are better than ours. However; our well intending actions have back fired. We pour into our children and tell them the words, but we fail to prepare them for the how and what it will take to get there. Another pandemic that we don’t like to talk about is the “Entitlement Syndrome” that we see running rampant in our younger generations. The drive to put in the hard work is missing and there is an expectation that because they have been told that they are great, the world will accommodate this proclaimed greatness and hand them the desires of their heart. We see many young people that are unable to maintain jobs because they do not show up or do not do what they have been told to do. They are shocked when they are let go and have a plethora of excuses as to why they were fired, none of which are attributed to their own actions. A common Bible verse often referenced by Christians is James 2:26 which states: “Faith without works is dead”. The general premise of this verse is that we must maintain faith that God will give us the desires of our heart; however He also expects that we put in active work to obtain these gifts. In other words, believing is not enough. We must support our children not only mentally but we must require that they are an active participant in their own future and destiny. We cannot create success for them. Setting expectations and holding our children accountable is equally as important as building their confidence and self esteem through positive affirmations and cliches. When we tell our children, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”, we must also be honest with them that failure will happen often and you many not achieve success your first time out of the gate. It is the spirit of perseverance that will make the reward that much sweeter when you finally achieve that goal. We cannot create a Candyland worldview for our children that the road will be smooth and unencumbered, we have to teach them to navigate the obstacles and sharp turns that will arise. If we don’t, they will quit or crumble in the face of adversity. We have to cure this illness of entitlement and stop rewarding bad behavior. Entitled children become entitled adults that we will be taking care of for the rest of their lives. As a mother I want to shower my children with love and be their biggest cheerleader, but I now realize that I have to control myself and temper the positive with reality. We have to prepare our children for the world beyond our reach and grasp. So parents while we are frustrated seeing and experiencing younger people with “Entitled Syndrome” we must own some of the blame because we created many of those monsters. The beauty is that we have an opportunity to course correct. I never would have thought that telling my child ‘no’ could be the most loving thing that I do for them, or allowing them to feel the sting of rejection and failure will be a measurement of success as a parent. Now that I have raised awareness I hope that we can all self-reflect to see where we fall on the spectrum as a parent. We cannot only build the foundations of our children through cliches, we also must prepare them for the journey and not just the destination.