In recent days, there has been a spotlight shined upon the importance of the participation of black women during this election season. The Black female demographic was instrumental in shifting the outcome of the Presidential election. The heroic efforts of women leaders such as Stacey Abrams and Kecia Lance Bottoms helped assure that more Black people participated in this election than ever before. Finally, it seemed that Black women were getting their just due. This was a moment that Black women were appreciated and needed after centuries of being the most disrespected, ignored and taken for granted population of people in this country. As I reflect on this issue, I can’t help but wonder, why now? Haven’t we been needed and important to the plight of this country all along? What was it about this time in our country’s history that our efforts were acknowledged in a way that they have never been before? Since the first slave ship arrived into this country, the Black woman has been quietly getting it done without any recognition. The reality of slavery was that our men were physically and mentally unable to take care of the family as they were fighting to remain alive. Out of mere survival the cliché of the strong black woman was born. While our men were being beaten and broken, the Black women had to make sure the children were cared for, that she continued to pour into the Black men to attempt to undo the damage of institutionalized slavery and had to teach and prepare the next generation how to survive the complexity of the web of slavery. She was willing to do anything she could to afford her family the opportunity to live another day. Sometimes that even meant sacrificing her self-dignity and at times her own body for the greater good. We were forced to take the lead as head of household in action only without the acknowledgement. At the time of post-slavery and the Civil Rights Movement Black women were not the faces of the movement but contributed in many ways to fight for human rights and freedoms of our people. In the face of adversity, somehow Black women have always had the ability to rally up strength and courage to make sure everyone was okay and that the business at hand was always handled. While our people were being lynched and deprived of basic rights, Black women never buckled under the pressure and remained steadfast and unshaken. When we look at women like Mamie Till that made the conscious choice to have an open casket funeral for her son, the strength and resilience was unexplainable. Even in modern times, Black women are rarely described as meek and demure, but quite the opposite. Black women are often described as either angry or headstrong. Where does this strength come from? How do Black women keep going even when the world tries to break them at every turn? Black women will bend, but very rarely break, or do they?
Our strength has become a badge of honor; however this honor comes with a hefty cost. Because of our strength and tenacity, sitting in our emotions is rarely an option. The strength of Black women was born out of survival, but over time it has taken a toll on our personal well-being. Black women are often emotionally unavailable and often lack the ability to acknowledge our emotions. This generational phenomena has forced women to give the perception of being unphased or unbothered when life scenarios come their way. Mothers often teach their Black daughters to suck it up and that showing emotion is a sign of weakness. The trauma of our ancestors and the trauma of the injustices and violence against our people and children has engrained a permanent callous on our emotional well-being. The very thing that sustained not only our survival but the survival of others, is also a festering disease that continues to plague generations upon generations. Strong women are often conflicted. If we take the time to be present in our emotions, the opportunity to fail those depending upon us becomes too great. Being too strong may ostracize others and further broaden the divide in Black families. The dissolution of the Black family over time has forced the Black woman to be mothers and fathers to our children, because we are losing our men. The shift of strength from Black men to Black women has created resentment towards us which has made the very thing that sustained us an undesirable attribute to some Black men. It was never the intent of Black women to lead the way, but we were forced to. Now it is difficult to undo the damage that was done and rebalance the scales of responsibility. Now that the beast has been unleashed, putting it back into the box is near to impossible. The trauma caused by the events of this year has placed a spotlight on Black women. Not only that we can affect positive change, but that we have changed because of the traumas we have seen and experienced. Many Black women have existed by keeping it moving. Very few of us understand the difference between surviving and living. If we stay busy, there is no time to think and more importantly, to feel. However; 2020 has forced us to sit with our emotions and thoughts. This is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. We identify it to be selfish to focus on ourselves and our own emotions. We have managed to push through and press forward for so long that we are a powder keg waiting to explode. Many Black women are probably experiencing difficulty with this. My personal experience has been that my anxiety levels have been through the roof and the adrenaline that kept me sustained had time to dissipate un-numbing the pain and unchecked emotional baggage. What I have realized in the year of chaos is while I was being strong for everyone, no one was being strong for me, including myself. Being strong has resulted in the illusion that we don’t need to be taken care of. Being a strong Black woman has created a narrative that we are unlovable and not worthy of investing in. Once this becomes the reality we see, it is then that self-deprecating behaviors begin. These behaviors may be manifested as failed relationships, overeating, hypersexuality or over indulgence in alcohol or drugs. Although we try to convince ourselves that we are holding it together and have it under control, cracks in the armor slowly manifest over time. The more time spent denying that we are buckling under the pressures of the world, the more emotionally suppressed we become. Strong women tend to over-compensate to disguise any perceived weaknesses. We see this in Black women that are “independent” and don’t need help from anyone. Black women tend to be over achievers in some form or another which will eventually lead to self-harming behaviors. Our strength is our weakness. Our strength can make Black men feel weak, our children afraid and may be the cause of infinite loneliness.
The strong Black women has been our rallying cry for so long, but have we thought about the consequences of being the strong ones. The price we have paid may not have been worth the title. It is time to realize that having feelings and emotions are not weakness but make us stronger over time. Unacknowledged pain and hurt will lead to a live changing moment of weakness later. It is time to be kind to ourselves and to other Black women and to let them know that it is okay to lay down your crown when it gets to heavy. Doing so may just save your life.
M.O.B.B (Mothers of Black Boys) Talk 