Where Do I Put It All?

The seems to be a misnomer that human beings have an endless capacity to take in and absorb an infinite amount of information and experiences. As a student of science that has completed several anatomy courses in my educational journey, I can unequivocally tell you that there is not such anatomic structure that is a bottomless repository. The brain can compartmentalize to a point, but even it has its limits. The heart can deal with a lot, but it even has it limits. Your spirit and soul have the most tolerance and even they can max out.

Those that are labeled as strong and resilient are made out to be some sort of human mutants because they appear to have the aformentioned endless capacity and ability to take any and everything thrown in their direction. Even those self-proclaimed strong folk have convinced themselves that they will bend but never break. Their resilience allows for them to endure the unthinkable and unfathomable and they just keep pushing on even in the toughest of times. Today I will let you in on a secret, even when the strongest of the strong will eventually succumb to the impact of repetitive exposure to and impact of trauma. Whether it is trauma that they personally experience or trauma that they witness, over time this will affect their psyche and overload their retention centers. Like a callous, they develop a tough skin that suppresses the experiences as they don’t have the time to deal, but eventually the irritation will become difficult to ignore.

When we think of buildings and structures we know that certain materials are more resilient than others. These materials like steel and cement have the capacity to endure tremendous pressure and stress for long periods of time. They are chosen because of their durability and ability to stand the tests of time. However, the most experienced of engineers will tell you that repetitive stressors over an extended period of time will create stress points or fissures. Although they may not be visible with the naked eye, the area where they appear loses integrity. We all know the saying, “You are only as strong as your weakest link”, this is a tangible example of this. Small fissures and weakened points on buildings or a bridge can lead to catastrophic events such as collapse. When events such as structural failures occur, the strength of the materials become inconsequential as it failed to overcome the effects of its stressors.

I used to take pleasure in being referred to as strong and resilient. As a self-proclaimed introvert and extremely shy person, I have worn this ‘sticktoitness” as a badge of honor as I recalled many times when I was told to stop being weak or a doormat. I had learned to adapt and become stoic to always push through and deliver at all costs. There was no time for emotions, emotions were for the weak, there is no crying in business, all of these played like the loop of an old R&B song in my head for many years. The aftermath of this conditioning yielded a woman that appears to be able to manage it all, handle it all and never buckles under the pressure. I have an uncanning ability to just push through, it has to be done so get it done by any means necessary. Now in my fourth decade of life my cracks and fissures are beginning to bow under the weight of the overloaded capacity of my being. My inherited traumas, experienced traumas and traumas of the world have filled my vessel to an unsafe limit. I have begun to ask myself, “Where do I put it all?”. Years and decades of swallowing it down to stay strong has rendered me full and structurally unsound. We are often told, “you cannot pour from an empty cup”; however, I would argue that this mantra should also highlight an overly filled cup cannot receive. These survival mechanisms of pushing through and pressing down have become normalized and celebrated. The proverbial “they” do not warn of the dangers of resilience and strength without vulnerability and acknowledgement. If anything is repetitively poked eventually that area will give out. When pressure continues to build and there is no release valve, an outlet to release will be created when it is least expected.

So here is the current recipe, 4 cups of Covid pandemic, 5 gallons of inherited and experienced trauma, a tablespoon of life and a sprinkle of crazy makes a very unstable brew that is ready to bubble over. All of these ingredients combined in a haphazard way are not emotionally palatable. Each ingredient should be handled and managed individually so that they can be appropriately incorporated. We must be careful about what we pour into ourselves and those that we care for. Affirmations such as “stay strong”, “shake it off” and “push through” can have negative impacts although they come from a place of love. Yes, it is true that we must all be able to handle conflict and difficulties because life is not a straight road; however, we must pause to acknowledge and process that difficult time and uncomfortable feeling so that it can be appropriately metabolized so that it may pass through. I have caught myself telling my sons to suck it up on several occasions. I now recognize how damaging those words are, equivalent to a slap across the face. Today I affirm that I will support my children in their processing and acknowledgement of their emotions. They will have the tools to prevent their cups from running over and succumbing to the pressure of unchecked emotions. It is an obligation that we all self-assess and if we are feeling full, we should not and cannot just push through. It is imperative to unpack and declutter our emotional hoards. We are seeing an incredible uptick in suicide amongst those that appear to have it all and could do it all. We are all running out of room and there is nowhere else to put it. The saying “check on your strong friends”, is an understatement and we must give everyone that we know and love the opportunity to just be.