Searching for Grace

“Hi there, I am looking for Grace, have you seen her around lately? I heard she hangs around here and offers her services to anyone who asks, but I can’t seem to find her. I have been looking for her, not only for myself but for other people I know can use her help. If you see her, could you send her my way?” These days ‘Grace’ has become an ethereal mythical being that is elusive and is masterful at remaining hidden. More than ever we need her. We need her to allow ourselves permission to feel all of our emotions with reckless abandon. We need her to show that empathy towards our fellow man is possible.

I believe that grace was more readily available at some point, but through extenuating circumstances she became an anomaly, almost a tall tale that we speak of her as a fairy tale character. When phrases such as the ‘strong Black woman’ or ‘Grace under fire’ have become badges of honor, it does not seem possible that these two phenomena can co-exist. The premise of being strong has become equivalent with being void of emotion and finding grace has become a scavenger hunt that never ends. We have been systematically indoctrinated to push through in spite of any and all circumstances. Our very existence in the country is laced in showing no signs of emotional weakness although the expression of emotions is a biological autonomic response.

It is very telling that only until the concept of “self-care” became a Tic Toc trend and social media hashtag during the pandemic, did the notion of emotional expression in minorities become an acceptable and viable option. Our emotional IQs have become so dismissed and diluted that we have lost our ability to self-regulate our stress responses. We have to now rely on medications and therapy as tools to relearn coping mechanisms that were innately given to us at the time of our creation. Infants are able to self-soothe if all of their biological needs are met, yet as adults we are unable to do the same. We have to redevelop and strengthen our emotional muscles in order for grace to come into our lives. If grace is allowed to become a part of our supporting cast, we will also be able to find safe spaces in which to process through our emotional stressors in real-time without guilt or shame. Unfortunately, our modus operandi has become to suppress and push through with an occasional pressure release. Much like the valve on our InstaPots, we release enough steam so that there is not a total implosion. This gives us enough room to ‘survive’ another day. These pressure releases take on the form of an occasional tongue lashing or a good ole cry. Although it feels better for a moment, the underlying issues still percolate under the surface like a ticking time bomb. To get to the root of it, this usually requires stripping back layers and layers of trauma through extensive rehab and treatment for either our physical or mental health.

The concept of the strong Black woman has caused a pandemic of emotionally eroded women who are barely hanging on by a thread. For our spouses, children, bosses and co-workers we remain polished and coiffed on the outside, as we feel there is no time to deal with our stuff. We have made our love language putting ourselves last. It is now a cultural norm to shame those that may be depressed or anxious. Like perfectly programmed robots, we tout that we are fine with wishful expectations we have convinced others we are telling the truth and more importantly we hope to convince ourselves. We believe if we say it often enough and sternly enough that is will miraculously become a fact. The lines of fact over fiction have become so blurred. Even when we are shattered and broken on the inside, we put on our stoic smiles, straighten our crowns and walk thorough our lives ‘gracefully,. Faking it until we make it is our daily mission. We know that we are one small wind away from shattering, yet we push through hoping that grace will find us.

Grace is within our grasp. In fact, she is often so close that we can reach out and touch her. The key to having grace come into your presence is allowing yourself to receive visitors. If we remain isolated and keep our ‘no vacancy’ sign illuminated, grace will pass us by. We must allow her to co-exist in our lives with all of the trauma, chaos and emotional triggers. She needs to become your closest confidant. She is forgiving and understanding and is the soft place to land when life gets hard.

Unlike searching for a needle in a haystack, when you are searching for grace, you must be prepared to receive her. You must be open to her company and view her presence as a gift and not a weakness. Grace is available to us all, she is not a rare precious stone or metal, she is ordinary and accessible to all that seek her. The secret is she only makes her presence known in spaces where she is welcomed.

We can call off the search parties and sit quietly and allow for grace to enter our souls. When we extend the invite for grace to come in our personal space we are then empowered to extend the gift of grace to others.