M.O.B.B (Mothers of Black Boys) Talk

For the last three weeks I have been feeling out of sorts. First I thought it was my allergies, then my thyroid and for a second I wondered if it was Covid. My symptoms were so disparate and all over the place. Some days I just felt general malaise and other times I felt like I was in a cold medicine fog. I figured that I should probably detox at least I would be able to tell if it was the result of not eating well. So this week I decided that juicing and vegetables it would be. I also incorporated a gallon a day of alkaline water along with my daily seamoss and ginger. Today is day four and I just had a heaviness in the pit of my stomach that felt overwhelming, but my head was suddenly clear. After a good cleansing cry, I was able to pinpoint what had been ailing me. I was reminded of the movie the Green Mile. The main character of the movie John Coffee. He had an incredible gift of being able to heal and feel what other people were feeling. He was able to see into their souls and feel everything that they were experiencing whether it was positive or negative. This gift ultimately became the characters curse because he was in a situation where the only feelings he was surrounded by were negativity and hate. Absorbing all of this became physically debilitating, ultimately leading to his demise. Much like John Coffee, I realized that I had been inundated with other people’s thoughts, feelings and emotions, many of which were negative and hateful. The hatred I was witnessing in this world, social media and other media had begun to literally eat me alive. Whatever this was that I was feeling had made me feel like a visitor in my own body and like I had stepped outside of myself. It was as if I was watching myself being chased by something, something dark and powerful. I saw myself running, but the predator was faster and stronger than I and was closing in fast. As it came closer it became harder to breathe and more difficult to see and hear what was in front of me. For sometime I have been feeling like I am dreaming, but I am wide awake. Like an epiphany, I can now see that the dark looming figure that was chasing me and inhabiting my thoughts was despair. It was settling into my thoughts and working its way to my heart and soul. My physical detox allowed for my brain to recognize that my spirit and soul needed to be detoxed as well. I had been absorbing the hatred and anger of others to the point of causing me to feel physically ill. I share this so that you may spare yourself and learn to recognize the signs and symptoms of this illness so that you will not succumb to despair. We are in spiritual warfare and the prizes are human souls. Souls are being stolen and in some cases given away all in the name of despair disguised as negativity and hatred. Despair begins with a single thought, that thought morphs into fear, the fear morphs into desperation, eventually settling into full fledge despair. In parallel to the spiritual war, it is no secret that we are on the verge of a race war. People are putting their stakes in the ground on the side of black or white. Many are using codes such as the right and left, Republican and Democrat, but most of the issues are deciding if you are on the side or racism or anti-racism. People have been arming themselves with information in hopes of being able to use it as weapons against others. Because in its early stages despair begins as the seed of fear, people often lose the ability to decipher fact from fiction which results in irrational thoughts and actions. The fear causes the person to see the world through tunnel vision that allows them to create an alternate reality in which they are able justify negative thoughts and behaviors. The desire to be victorious by any means necessary is the life force through which despair takes hold of its host. More contagious than a virus, despair begins with a rationalized anger causing an all consuming fear rooted in false narratives. If you are flooding information into your brain unfiltered, this will make you become at risk for contracting despair. Signs and symptoms include moodiness, exhaustion, depression, and mental haze. You also begin to merely exist and no longer live. You ultimately become hopeless. If not caught in time, despair will ravage your faith and cause you to put merit and credence into people or objects. You lose all focus on a higher purpose and being. You will eventually become an empty vessel that just goes through the motions of life devoid of any semblance of happiness. Despair will eat away at your soul until you feel that life has no meaning. It will suck the air out of the room making it difficult for you or others around you to breathe. Others will notice something different about you, but not in a good way, almost as if you are transforming to something else right before their eyes. In my case my children recognized it first. They were constantly asking me what was wrong. My oldest just kept telling me that I looked sad. I didn’t realize that every breath was taking maximum effort and physically exhausted. I know that just like Covid, this seems like a daunting and scary disease. Do not fret, because unlike Covid there is a cure. It is unreasonable and unrealistic to believe that you can sequester yourself from the world, ignoring everything that is going on around you in and in the world. We must be informed and aware of what is happening; however, we must be able to process the information in a thoughtful and pragmatic way. The information must be filtered. The most effective filters are created from your purpose. You must find that thing within the information that resonates with your purpose and you must act against it in a positive manner. You must always ask yourself how you facilitate and create energy that will either propel the momentum of that purpose or how your purpose may be able to halt those things that are not aligned with it. It is imperative to know that when information is taken in, something must be released or it will create a pressure cooker within your mind and soul. If it is held and internalized for too long, you will create the optimum conditions for despair to take root. Much like Covid, this parasite can be controlled and avoided through social distancing. You must avoid those that have already contracted it either through physical, virtual or metaphoric avoidance. You should also use filtered masks to avoid contracting despair. Your filters against despair are grace and faith. Grace will allow you to have empathy against those that are in the stages of fear, hate or despair and faith will reveal the plan to stop it in its tracks. Despair can only take a willing host, so it is important to never lose your will to live within your purpose and pursue it with voracity. Despair almost got me, but a physical detox led to a mental and spiritual cleansing that has strengthened the effectiveness of my grace and faith filters. I will not meet anger with anger or hate with hate. My words and desire to listen with the intent to seek to understand will be my shield against despair. If I keep my immune system strong so that despair cannot take hold of me, my ability to know where to focus my energy will be heightened and made clear. I would advise you to find your weapons of purpose and use those everyday. Every action must have and equal and opposite reaction, which is why evil must be met with good, hate must be met with love and lies must be met with the truth. I guarantee the strategy will work. We are not trying to win the battles we want to win the war. It almost got me, but I was able to shake it loose, don’t let despair catch up to you!

September 24, 2020

Office of the Attorney General

Mr. Daniel Cameron

700 Capital Avenue, Suite 118

Frankfort, Kentucky 40601-3449

Dear Mr. Cameron,

My name is Robyn Durr-Henry.  I currently reside in the state of Indiana, but I wanted to write to you as a concerned citizen of this country.  Today is my birthday, as a gift to myself, I write to you in hopes of changing this country to a better place. Instead of frivolous celebratory activity, it is more important for me to do my part to better this country for myself, my two sons and the rest of the American population that looks like you and me.  I am not sure of your background but allow me to tell you a bit about me.  I was born in Ohio, near Cleveland, to two wonderful parents.  I grew up in a middle-class suburban neighborhood and went to private schools from first grade until I graduated high school.  My mother is a retired schoolteacher and my father retired from a career at the Cleveland Plain Dealer, which was Ohio’s largest newspaper.  Education was pushed as an invaluable resource in my family, you see most of my family are educators in some form or fashion.  Many hold multiple degrees, including my brother who received his Doctorate last year. Also very common to my family, is that many of us attended Historically Black Colleges and Universities, equally as important as education was the need for us to support and feel the love that an HBCU can afford you. I quickly realized that education was not my calling and chose a career in research and science. I feel satisfied in knowing that my contributions help bring safe and efficacious medical product to market to help those with health disparities. Now that you know a little about me, let me get to the root of this letter.

Yesterday, we watched as you announced that none of the officers involved in the murder of Breonna Taylor would be charged with her death. One officer would be charged with a lesser crime that was in no way related to her murder.  I can only imagine that yesterday was a tough day for you. Although it may have been tough, I am sure it was also equally rewarding as you are a part of a historical landmark event that can prove to be an assurance to solidifying your career aspirations. This may even move you up on President Trump’s shortlist of candidates to fill the open Supreme Court seat. How gratifying that must be, you are being praised by the President of the United States as a rising star. With all that is possible and the fruits of your labor coming to bear, I wonder if you feel it has been worth it? I wonder if this is what you wanted? Is the price you have paid to obtain professional success, worth selling you morality and soul?

Allow me to explain myself. We both know that as Black Americans in this county, you are automatically enrolled into “Not an Easy Road University”. Before we are truly able to understand the difficult and historically complex fabric of this country, we are already marked. I am sure that you decided early on that you would be the antithesis of what many in this country believe that Black men are.  You probably went through the pain staking process of mapping out your path and devising a strategy that would propel you to the pinnacle of success. You took all necessary precautions to never be in the wrong place at the wrong time, to make sure you were only affiliated with those that could help you reach your goals, that you would always be at the top of your classes and that you would conform and assimilate in whatever way possible to be accepted by the in-crowd. It is no secret that average for us will not lead you to the promised land.  The bar is extremely high for us and we must excel in order to even garner the attention of those that are in positions of power and authority. This is especially true when you choose a professional path that does not require athletic ability or entertainment value. Opportunities outside of those two boxes only have room for a few of us at the top and we must fight, claw and scratch our way to get there. I understand being measured and gauged with a different barometer than the majority. This is why I am sure you made strategic relationship connections with those that could give you that foot in the door to make sure you rose to the top of the list.  You probably made sure you were always well groomed, impeccably dressed and spoke with perfect diction so that they would see you as an equal worthy and deserving of any accomplishments coming your way. Every move that you have made thus far was most likely part of intentional decision making to assure that you would differentiate yourself and achieve professional success at an early age.  This includes your political affiliation. I am sure you weighed the options with a lens that would reveal the highest probability of success. Would you be the Attorney General of Kentucky if you were a Democrat?  Would the Who’s Who of Kentucky be accepting of you if you had graduated from a Historically Black College or University? I am sure every decision you have made in terms of advancing your career has been part of a grueling process of weighing the pros and cons to determine if it would serve in achieving the goals you set out for yourself.  It is obvious that you are willing to do whatever it takes to be on top. That brings us to the pinnacle of your career thus far, investigating and deciding upon the case of Breonna Taylor.

On March 13, 2020, an event occurred that has probably changed your life in one way or another and the lives of others forever. There are certain careers that require an individual to set aside personal beliefs and opinions. You chose such a career. I can relate on some levels as a career in research cannot be based upon emotion and opinion, only the science and data. I was once told that “There is no crying in science”. Law is an entity that is very black and white. Some scenarios may require some creative interpretation, but clauses and loopholes tend to mitigate those occurrences. Much like putting together a puzzle, you are required to take all the pieces of evidence and documentation and place them into the correct spot and apply the correct law.  I can only imagine that this is quite a taxing and grueling process.  Knowing this about careers in law, I wonder how you were able to automatically put aside all humanity and emotion to solely become an enforcer of the law? In the six long months of reviewing the facts, civil unrest and political battles engulfed this country, multiple Black Americans were killed at the hands of law enforcement and the characters of these individuals were drug through the mud. How did you remain unaffected?  How did you continue the pursuit of justice, when the system is for “just us”, knowing that the “just us” excludes Black Americans of this country? Were you able to rest at night because you were just doing your job? As you saw the anguish of Breonna’s family, how were you able to remove all empathy from your heart? It is very obvious that this was not a failure of the justice system, the system worked as it was intended to, the victim became the criminal and the criminal became the victor.  This construct has been in place for centuries, working as intended relegating the lives of Black Americans as expendable and optional. What a coincidence the exact day this announcement was made to give an officer a slap on the wrist and the other two no consequence at all was the same day that the murders of Emmitt Till were acquitted. Truly history repeats itself, this time you ushered it in. As the spokesperson relegated to communicate this decision, I do hope you realize that you became their fall guy. You were used as the token in an attempt to get this country to believe that the criminal justice system provides justice for all.  After all, you look like us, so certainly the system must be for us also. Mr. Cameron you have sold your soul for professional advancement and possibly a Supreme Court seat. You have paid the ultimate price.  I do hope that you realize that no matter how many golf games you are invited to at the country club, or how many galas you and your wife attend, you are still a Black man in this country. Being in Kentucky, I would garner a guess that many see you as nothing more an uppity negro. Know that if the stuff hits the proverbial fan, and a person to blame is needed, you will be tossed into the fire to go down with the ship. 

Twelve million dollars was paid to Breonna Taylor’s family. It is very suspicious to pay a settlement if there was no fault in her murder. Twelve million dollars will not absolve you from your moral responsibility to be a common and decent human. I pray that in the future your heart will prevail, and it will not be able to be bought by the highest bidder. When you and your wife are blessed with children, I am sure you realize that they will be Black in a country that does not always respect Black Americans. There will not be any affluent neighborhood, private school or controlled peer group that will be able to wash away that they are still Black in the country with all the “benefits” that come along with that. While I am sure you married for love, part of me wonders if your choice in a life partner was based upon being able to help your future children have a better chance of succeeding in this country.  Did you hope that you would be able to dilute their blackness to go unnoticed when they enter society? Despite having mixed genetics in this country, they will always be seen and treated as Black. When we as Black people in this country take the unconventional route of professional success, there are certain sacrifices we must make to do so. During my journey I have had to walk away from some opportunities because they did not set well in my spirit.  I was taught that all money is not good money. A salary or rising to the next level of professional success was not worth my soul. You are treading into very dangerous territory. You are tethering yourself to people that are devoid of a moral compass. There will be a hefty price to pay for the sale of your humanity. It is obvious that you are struggling internally, your emotional turmoil was on full display during the press conference. You are struggling with reconciling Daniel Cameron, Attorney General and Daniel Cameron, the man. When your time comes to leave this Earth will you be able to say it was all worth it? Will the Lord be able to say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”? Will your conscience be clear, or will it be littered with 12 million reasons why it is not? While Ms. Taylor cannot be brought back, it is not too late for you to change course. You have time and opportunity to change the trajectory of your life.  You have the choice to be an advocate for changing the current judicial system so that it is a system for all Americans. This change may temporarily derail your career aspirations, but it could lead to a lifetime of success in this realm and beyond. The time is now, are you willing to regain ownership of your soul or will you continue to live your life in indentured servitude to those that mean harm to people that look like you?  The choice is yours Mr. Cameron, choose wisely.

You reach a fork in the road. You have a decision to make, go left or go right. To the left is more of the same, a stagnant path devoid of growth potential and opportunity. To the right, the path is littered with rocks, glass and a batch of unknowns, yet there is opportunity on the other end. Which do you choose?

I recently watched a podcast in which there was a panel of Black American participants. The panel was comprised of both men and women or varying ages and backgrounds. The topic of discussion was, do Black Americans use the victim card? This is a very loaded question depending upon your perspective. If you are a non-Black individual, your perspective will be based upon your interactions with Black Americans and the Black Americans you have known or interacted with. If you are a Black American, your perspective will be based upon your personal journey and the examples that were set before you. Is this question strictly about being a victim or is it about whether or not victimization has occurred?

Many have used the argument that discrimination is irrelevant because there are Black Americans that are doctors, lawyers, judges and other professional elite. If discrimination and racism existed, this wouldn’t be possible, right? While it is very true that many Black Americans have been able to rise to the occasion by hard work and taking their lumps when necessary, it does not negate that they were victimized in the process. What seems to often be missed in this conversation is that they have succeeded in spite of the victimization. The dismissal or lack of acknowledgement of victimization of Black Americans is a problem and narrative created by those that inflict the methodologies of this victimization or those that are blissfully unaware of the true history of this country. The truth is that the history taught in this country has been sanitized of many of the events and issues of this country that were orchestrated to create and perpetuate disparities and oppression against Black Americans. Although data exists to show evidence of these occurrences, for some it is much easier to pretend that they never happened and do not exist. For those that have been personally afflicted by the effects of these policies and events, there is not a convincing argument that can be had to refute the victimization of Black Americans as historically valid and still present in some aspects today.

For those of us that have been able to beat the odds, one of two scenarios made it possible to do so. One scenario is the breaking of generational curses that clear the path toward success. In this scenario, an example of how to overcome has been set and becomes the blueprint for subsequent generations. It is important to highlight that although in this scenario generational curses may have been broken, it does not mean that the path will be completely devoid of struggle and obstacles. Even in 2020 there are still many systemic obstacles to overcome such as the wage gaps between Black Americans and other races or the disparities in the processes for home and business ownership. These are very real and tangible examples of how Black Americans are still victimized, but can choose to push through these inequities to reach their goal. The second scenario for those of us that have “overcome” is that there has been a conscious choice to have a future that is the antithesis of their current circumstances. This may be their living situation, economic status or family situation. If they have witnessed poverty, violence or lack opportunities there becomes a significant desire for something different and these scenarios become motivators for them to be something other than that which they had experienced. These are the stories we see of those that have come from nothing to be more than what could ever be imagined. They use what they have and perform to the best of their abilities to be the change they want to see. They move beyond their circumstances and remain focused on what their future can be. These obstacles become their stepping stones toward victory and success. After witnessing a parent working multiple jobs, or visiting a parent in jail or their grave, some people will do whatever they can to assure that their children will not have to endure what they may have experienced. In both of the scenarios mentioned, there is a decision that is made to not to remain a victim to the obstacles and intentional oppression put in their path. They are able to outsmart, out maneuver and outrun the victimization strategies intended to prevent success.

The opposite end of the spectrum in terms of the victim card are those that are unable or unwilling to overcome the victimization strategies intended to hinder and destroy. It is a scientific fact that there are mental and physical repercussions that are directly correlated to racism in this country. As with any other physical or mental ailment, some individuals are more vulnerable and susceptible to these conditions than others. If there is no exposure to a better path it is highly likely that the individual will not be able to rise above the victimization. If you are not able to see beyond day to day survival, the hope for a successful future is nil to none. Some people are not able to reconcile that they are not their circumstances and that there are opportunities beyond the current circumstances. Most individuals that cannot push through the victimization have seen enough death and failure that they do not see a future beyond a casket or jail cell. They are manifestations of the theory that states if you are told something often enough, you will soon believe it to be true. So if your experience is that you have been told that you will amount to nothing, you are nothing more than a thug or you are of no value, your life will begin to reflect that to be true. If you do not have the strength or fortitude to live a life that is the opposite of what you are being told, you will remain a victim. You are unable to value things such as a career, education or a life outside of poverty because you do not feel deserving of it. It is important to remember that we are tethered to the effects of slavery whether we have been able to make it beyond it or not. Those that succeed have done so by pushing and stretching themselves so that they distance themselves from the root of racism, but are still attached. Those that remain in a mental hold of slavery have been unable or unwilling to put distance between the root and themselves. The mental strongholds remain for these individuals which was the foundation of slavery, take the mind and the body will follow. Slaves remain slaves because their mind will not allow them to see an alternative or their mind will keep them in a state of perpetual fear to move beyond the struggle.

So when some asks, “Why are Blacks playing the victim card?”, it is our duty to seek to clarify the ask. Are you asking if Blacks are victims or are you asking if Blacks have been victimized? The successes seen in the Black community are not the result of an easy walk without the effects of oppression, but instead are the results of choosing to move beyond the victimization. Being Black in this country is a chess game. We are all pawns on the chess board of systemic oppression; however if you learn the game and study the moves, you can enact a counter move that will lead to success. For those of us that have mastered the game, we cannot stand in judgement of others that have not. We must remember that the system of oppression was designed to separate and destroy. We have to be advocates for our own and live in the mindset that each one must teach one. Our ancestors were able to do this before Facebook, Instagram or TikToc, it should be much easier for us. If we participate and perpetuate divisiveness within our own communities, to the victor goes the spoils. We must always remember that we are playing a lifelong game of chess and not checkers. This is why strategy and intellect are our only weapons to combat that which seeks to destroy us. The tenacity and strength of our ancestors will keep us in the game. We must always acknowledge the victimization and use it as motivation for different and better, but we must not remain victims and crumble under its weight. It must be the motivation for us to live in our greatness and destiny.

Part of parental responsibilities includes encouraging and supporting our children. As Black mothers it is common knowledge that the path our children must take will not be a straight one, it will be riddled with sharp bends and obstacles. We know and must acknowledge that our children will have not have an easy path because of the color of their skin. Another fact is the reality of school to prison pipeline and every mother is on a mission to prevent their son from being sucked into that vortex. If these things were not enough, it is also known that if a child is identified as behaviorally challenged or as having some sort of learning deficit, if not handled and managed correctly, these labels can follow the child throughout their educational journey. If a child that is identified as needing support either behaviorally or academically is not carefully monitored and supported, the end result could be the child dropping out of school before high school graduation. With the odds heavily stacked against our children in an attempt to derail their success, parents are tasked with being the driver to push our children beyond and over these hurdles. As parents, we may use a variety of cliches to help our cause to build the morale and confidence of our children. “If you believe it, you can achieve it!”, “you can do anything or be anything if you put your mind to it”, “do your best and forget the rest”. The list goes on and on. I have heard many of these phrases from my parents and now as a mother, I have used them with my sons. The intention of the use of these phrases with our children is so pure and rooted in love. However; I have recently had my own ‘ah ha’ moment in which I have realized that these words and phrases are not enough. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in the power of positive affirmations; however they must be rooted and grounded in reality and supported by context and intention. There has been a generational shift with the twenty-somethings and teenagers when compared to those of us in our upper thirties or older. The younger generation has been able to witness the manifestation of some of these cliche phrases. For example, when someone told us “You can be anything you want if you put your mind to it”, for the older generations the context of this statement was somewhat limited. As a forty something woman I did not believe that I would see a Black President in my lifetime. Success for Black Americans is generationally dependent upon known options or opportunities that were available at that time. It was probably unfathomable to think of women as being able to be Senators, CEOs, surgeons astronauts, or a candidate for Vice President, etc. if you grew up in the 1950’s or 1960’s. The frame of reference during this time was typically that you could become a nurse or a school teacher, both very honorable and important occupations but just two viable options during that moment in history. In the seventies and eighties, the boundaries were pushed and there were very few things that woman couldn’t do; however there would be disparities and obstacles to overcome to get there. So the Black American schema of opportunity and success looks different dependent upon your age, your familial experience, your socio-economic status, etc. It is often parents that create the vision and landscape for what the future of our children can be. We want our children to dream big and to have goals that will exceed our expectations; however if we do not couple these desires with reality and foundational knowledge, the result can be the opposite of what we intended. As a people, Black Americans have taken the cliche, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” to the next level. When we were given kitchen scraps for food, we created soul food. When were told that we could not attend colleges and universities we created Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs). There are many other examples that have born phoenixes from the ashes for Black Americans. What was consistently present in each of these cases was not only the thought and desire, but the hard work, perseverance and drive that went along with the desire. As a parent, if we have experienced the struggle and overcome, it is our desire to protect our children from having to experience that struggle. Sometimes we may overcompensate to make sure that their lives are better than ours. However; our well intending actions have back fired. We pour into our children and tell them the words, but we fail to prepare them for the how and what it will take to get there. Another pandemic that we don’t like to talk about is the “Entitlement Syndrome” that we see running rampant in our younger generations. The drive to put in the hard work is missing and there is an expectation that because they have been told that they are great, the world will accommodate this proclaimed greatness and hand them the desires of their heart. We see many young people that are unable to maintain jobs because they do not show up or do not do what they have been told to do. They are shocked when they are let go and have a plethora of excuses as to why they were fired, none of which are attributed to their own actions. A common Bible verse often referenced by Christians is James 2:26 which states: “Faith without works is dead”. The general premise of this verse is that we must maintain faith that God will give us the desires of our heart; however He also expects that we put in active work to obtain these gifts. In other words, believing is not enough. We must support our children not only mentally but we must require that they are an active participant in their own future and destiny. We cannot create success for them. Setting expectations and holding our children accountable is equally as important as building their confidence and self esteem through positive affirmations and cliches. When we tell our children, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”, we must also be honest with them that failure will happen often and you many not achieve success your first time out of the gate. It is the spirit of perseverance that will make the reward that much sweeter when you finally achieve that goal. We cannot create a Candyland worldview for our children that the road will be smooth and unencumbered, we have to teach them to navigate the obstacles and sharp turns that will arise. If we don’t, they will quit or crumble in the face of adversity. We have to cure this illness of entitlement and stop rewarding bad behavior. Entitled children become entitled adults that we will be taking care of for the rest of their lives. As a mother I want to shower my children with love and be their biggest cheerleader, but I now realize that I have to control myself and temper the positive with reality. We have to prepare our children for the world beyond our reach and grasp. So parents while we are frustrated seeing and experiencing younger people with “Entitled Syndrome” we must own some of the blame because we created many of those monsters. The beauty is that we have an opportunity to course correct. I never would have thought that telling my child ‘no’ could be the most loving thing that I do for them, or allowing them to feel the sting of rejection and failure will be a measurement of success as a parent. Now that I have raised awareness I hope that we can all self-reflect to see where we fall on the spectrum as a parent. We cannot only build the foundations of our children through cliches, we also must prepare them for the journey and not just the destination.

This post was inspired by a conversation I was having with my mother. She was telling me about a podcast on YouTube called “Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man” by Emmanuel Acho. This podcast consists of him talking to various people about topics that are typically taboo or highly controversial, but he and the guests are willing to go there. Like many of my posts, I am often triggered or inspired by something happening in real time. This time was like no other. I finally had an epiphany, this new, transparent and brutally honest Robyn is a result with me finally getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

During these trying times of 2020, one thing has become abundantly clear, the truth and the reality of the status of this country makes many people uncomfortable. Historically the United States has prided itself on its ability to control the world’s view and narrative of this country. Carefully crafted facades presented the United States as a dominant world power, free from any substantial issues or disputes. To brand yourself as the Promised Land, you must employ very creative marketing tactics to do so. Until you have lived in this country and are fully immersed into the the reality of this country, only then do you begin to see and fully understand the cracks and blemishes in the foundation of this country. As I have been mostly isolated since March, I have realized that the same holds true for people. Under ‘normal’ circumstances we are able to take our ‘representatives’ out in to the world so that we can control the optics of ourselves to others. We are able to only reveal those things that we are okay with being acceptable for public consumption. However; just like the laws of physics, pressure applied in a constant and consistent manner has the ability to change the state of matter from one form to another. For example water under the pressure of heat will be transformed into steam, or pressure applied to a rock can transform to a diamond. Undeniably, everyone in this country is under some form of pressure or stress. The current state of affairs happening within this country, the changes of living in the midst of a pandemic or virtual learning with our children have all applied a tremendous force of pressure that many of us have never experienced. My personal experience has revealed that it is difficult to near impossible to keep up the caricatures I have created for myself dependent upon the setting or situation. These types of pressures force our masks to crack and for our true selves to be revealed. The revelation of our raw selves is uncomfortable and scary because it may force some self-analysis and introspection that would not have happened in a time free of pressure and stress. Some of the discomfort we feel is because we are forced outside of our normal routine and daily grind or the discomfort may come from the reality that we are forced to feel and possibly may have to react to those feelings. So in the spirit of continuous transparency that I am working on, I will use myself as an example of how this may manifest itself.

The Robyn that existed pre-pandemic, pre-George Floyd was extremely organized, regimented and structured. I had schedules for my schedules. I was always on when it was required of me. I could quickly navigate between the home Robyn and work Robyn because many of the characteristics were fundamentally the same. The wife and mother Robyn was able to hold everyone down. She knew who had to be where when and was a task master. Everything and everybody had a place and the home version of Robyn made sure these tasks were completed. The most authentic version of Robyn was reserved for those who have known her for a long time, even perhaps since birth. She was comfortable with letting her guard down slightly, but always appeared to be holding it together. The hustle and bustle of daily life, allowed me to seamlessly integrate all of these Robyns so that those looking with the naked eye could not easily delineate where one began and another one ended. Then March 2020 happened. I, like most in this country, kicked into fight or flight mode. The culmination of multiple events, converging at exactly the same time, coupled with uncertainty, put all of us in survival mode. From protesting in the streets to hoarding toilet paper, the country was whipped into a frenzy. The pressure and stress of these events hung like a dark looming cloud over this country. This is when we all started to see the chinks in our armor and the armor of others. These times have forced many of us to face the discomfort of our truths and the truth of others that we thought we knew and understood. Whether it be our stance on social injustice in this country, political beliefs or affiliations or what the appropriate pandemic protocol should be, the reality of acknowledging our similarities and differences can prove to be uncomfortable. There will be uncomfortable conversations that will need to be had, unresolved issues that will need to be dealt with and careful evaluation of person relationships will need to occur. Perhaps the most uncomfortable of all will be admitting to the reality there may be a true necessity for change or removal of some people or things from our lives. A common coping mechanism many employ is to remain stagnant, to remain in a place of comfort so that life seems easier. The fear of others knowing our vulnerabilities and weaknesses often prevent progressive and meaningful change. I am sure that for some, they have been shocked or perhaps uncomfortable meeting this version of Robyn. My realization is that I often made myself uncomfortable to maintain the comfort of others. Growth only happens when we get out of our way and allow for ourselves to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. The stagnation of ideas and open thoughts are the root cause for the lack of progress within this country. We have been going along to get along for so many years that some are shocked by the revelation of how little has changed decade over decade. Social injustice and racial disparity events this year have highlighted this most significantly. In 2020 there were people that had a new awakening to the reality that many of us have been experiencing for years in this country regarding the plight of Black Americans in this country. Although these issues are woven into the fabric of this country since it was founded, it took a tragic event like the death of George Floyd to bring this reality to some in this country and to many in the rest of the world. As Black Americans it can be frustrating when we hear our non-Black allies say “I had no idea this was going on”. It is difficult for us to understand how they could not have known, were they leaving under a rock? As frustrating as this may make us feel, I would encourage you to get uncomfortable and have a conversation or two with those that are truly seeking to understand. For those that seem misguided and misinformed, creating a teachable moment may be uncomfortable but it is necessary. There is a caveat, you must realize that not everyone will be ready or willing to get uncomfortable and detach themselves from their artfully created reality, but that is okay. This is not a failure, but instead is a victory because our person ability to discern those situations and people that are no longer suited for our time and energy will be heightened. We should only focus our efforts and energy on planting the seeds, where they take root is not up to us. As we would want others to be open to hearing to seek to understand, we must also reciprocate the same energy. There may be disagreements and tension, but going there will be well worth the effort. Being open to differing opinions or the reality of others will contribute to our personal metamorphosis to be a better person. We must be open to constructive feedback that is rooted in love and our best interest. We must trust ourselves to recognize the wolves in sheep’s clothing that only come to seek and destroy. Refusing to get uncomfortable will halt all opportunities for change and forward progression. Although there may be casualties along the way, we must apply the necessary pressure to change the state of the world and our hearts. So I challenge everyone reading this to get comfortable with being uncomfortable so that we can be the change that we want to see for this world.

I just watched a recording of an episode of the show “Sundays Best” in which the featured performance was Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City Singers featuring LeAndria Johnson singing “Deliver Me, This is My Exodus”. For those that are not familiar, the show “Sundays Best” is the gospel equivalent to “American Idol”. Singers that have chosen to use their vocal gifts to lift praises to God, compete for an opportunity to win a recording contract with a gospel music label. Donald Lawrence is a gifted writer/composer that has recorded songs that not only have made their rounds in the gospel music arena but also into mainstream. LeAndria Johnson began her gospel singing career as a contestant on this show. She came to the audition with the clothes on her back after Hurricane Katrina took her home and all her belongings. Even after winning this show, LeAndria has continue to endure a series of unfortunate circumstances including the death of her brother and an addiction to alcohol. Seeing her so vulnerable while singing this song, resonated with my spirit. Just like her, I needed to be delivered from myself and all of the past hurts I continue to hold onto. The main premise of this song is asking the Lord to deliver us from ourselves. Although we may have been forgiven by others and God Himself, we continue to hold onto these past mistakes and circumstances. Self-forgiveness sounds simple in theory, but I have found it is one of the most difficult tasks that I have encountered in life. As I reflect on my own experiences, I realize that there are very few instances in my life that I have not been my own harshest critic or my own worst enemy. I have applied very unrealistic expectations on myself at times and felt a sense of failure when I was unable to obtain them. Over the years I have learned the art of disguising these insecurities and overall lack of confidence, but they are deeply rooted and engrained in my fundamental being. As a little girl these feelings of not being enough were more apparent then they are now. I was extremely shy, awkward and introverted. I had a hard time making friends because I never felt that I measured it. I was never pretty enough, smart enough or strong enough, so I tended to keep to myself. My parents tried to draw me out of my shell, but it wasn’t until I realized that these weakness made me a target to being ostracized and bullied, that I made a conscious decision to mask these feeling from the world. As a teenager, I tried hard to fit in, to appear confident and sure of myself. It was a learning process to balance trying too hard and making it look effortless. Inside I continued to use others as my barometer to what I needed to measure up to. This continued throughout my college years and into my adult life. I live my life hiding my insecurities from the world. Minimally the illusion of confidence must be there in order to be seen and to get opportunities for growth and success. When you practice this art of wearing the mask of “I am okay”, overtime it becomes difficult to separate the perception from the reality. It also probably stifles your potential to be the best wife, mother and person that you can be. For whatever reason, it dawned me recently that my deep seeded insecurities that have gone unchecked for years, have affected my abilities to mother my sons properly. These inner deficits cause anxiety and pressure and it is a constant battle to appear to always be in control and have it all together. I have always felt like the ugly duckling and because of this I keep people at an arms length to avoid others from knowing my secret. I have isolated and abandoned friendships because of my feeling of inadequacy and never being able to measure up. It was not that others were requiring this of me, I was setting these expectations myself. Although I wear it well, I often feel uncomfortable in social settings, wanting to blend into the background. I always feel like people are looking and judging although I know that is not the case. I try to avoid this situations as much as possible because they do not come naturally for me. I have forced myself to break out of my shell because my profession requires it and giving an air of confidence is the only way to climb that professional ladder. I have an unrational fear of failure and letting others down. I have lived my life making sure that everyone was okay with me and neglecting that I was okay with myself. It became more important for me to live up to the expectations of me that were set by others rather than defining my own expectations to strive for. These unrealistic expectations have crept into my parenting and now my fear is that I will pass these insecurities along to my sons. I probably overcompensate encouraging my sons and making sure that they are confident because I have not yet found my own confidence. What I am not sure of is if they can see past my façade and are picking up on my inner demons. I know that God absolutely knew what he was doing by giving me boys. I shutter to think that if I had a daughter she would inherit my lack of confidence and self worth. For my sons, I challenge them and let them know daily that they are enough and that they are only in competition with themselves. My greatest fear would be possibly preventing them from being the best version of themselves because I have not yet embraced that for myself. As mothers we must become a priority in our own lives. Although we are naturally nurturers, we must also nurture ourselves. Not being kind to ourselves depletes our emotional and physical tanks. After we are done being everything to everybody, there is nothing left for us. If my openness and transparency can reach one young girl, one mother that feels she is failing at life, I have done my job. Letting go of my false ideology of perfection will be a journey not a destination. It took me many years to get here, so I will allow my self time to redirect my path. To all the mothers reading this, mistakes and failures are opportunities for growth and positive change. We must be kind to ourselves and allow for life to happen the way that it was meant to happen. If we continue to do the best that we can, we will be okay and our children will be okay. They are more resilient than we think and those things we think are important to them, probably are not. So let us all deliver ourselves and allow our best and most authentic selves shine in this world.